To quiet the murmur, you must stop the heart. Then start anew (again).

kathleen_k_indie_author_publisher_sexotic_commentaryTo quiet the murmur, you must stop the heart.
We wait to intervene, watch and listen
for decades until one day the murmur is urgent.  My aortic valve was all flapped out
and needed intervention.   Communique received!  In the intervening years after diagnosis, surgical techniques had evolved and I benefitted from this happening in 2016 and not 1996.  Upside!

So it came to be that I myself said, “yes” (to a cardiac surgery team), “yes”, you may turn me off (bypass my central power pack), do what you do inside of me.  Scale of Decision:  what takes five hours for cardiac team to accomplish demands eight weeks for me to recover from in best scenario.  And even if the team, praise be, successfully turns me back on, the murmur will be… not gone, but quieter, manageable, survivable for a longer while more.  (Yes, please.)

Beyond that?  Who can say.  Reboots are tricky.  But, oh so re-empowering when they work.  It is a journey; I have changed if only on a finitudinal level.  {Extra credit:  please read here.}  You happen to have a Reboot Moment in your own life?  A core value-action-element that forces you to proceed, retreat, or halt and wonder what are you doing day-to-day to paint the big picture of your life?Ordinal vs Cardinal -Omega-exp-omega-labeled_svgThis is the battle, literal and lyrical, in my new post-op phase, to make sense of the ordinal ‘energy’ categories we each try to balance: faith, expectation, and effort.  Even when we can’t hope to understand the math we do sense the logic within.  I am enjoying 60+ years, fully lived, lucky and blessed, while paying the toll for bad habits.  Yet I risked it all this summer to gain a chance for even more.  If you have such a choice to make, swerve toward the brave and deep-down daring, arrange to do what is true of you through the days and phases you’ve accumulated.  Time doesn’t stop; once loved, ever loved.

These are all very existential concepts that surround any change in lifestyle.  What do we, each of us, choose to do with our life time?  And a baseline question is how closely you assess your progress so far.

My overall soul-goal incorporated my equilibrium in the world, to be judged first and wholly human without the female tag.  I saw gender as irrelevant in most areas:  I worked in a man’s profession of business computers, wrote in the male bailiwick of erotica and voyeurism, married a man, raised a son… and within all of that lay the mother-lode for me:  women are not lesser because men are not greater.  The issue is establishing parity when components are not replicated exactly — not only between genders but within them.  We had Phyllis Schlafly to define conservative values when the Boomers were rolling through in waves, followed by a plucked and tightly-wound Ann Coulter acting as a deceptive honey trap for the ridiculously exclusionary.  The fact is an elitist view is self-defeating because closing yourself off will not advance your agenda, right or wrong the numbers rumble in.

We can demonstrate that any advancement of stability in a distressed society ultimately advances the family which strengthens the children (= the tribe).  The Internet has helped expose the dark hearts of many institutional “entities” and by that I mean the administrators and deputies and chancellors who hushed/hid sexual and fiscal infractions whether their doing so was misguided or malicious (as long as it was deliberate).  Whistleblowers needed protection to tell the truth.  The shaming of victims is a tell-tale sign of fear that the perpetrators could do even worse if angered which is the hell of mid-level management because it is your fault you can’t stop them.  The Kennedy-era US could contain the ‘naughty’ news when it only had 3 broadcast channels with effective choke-points of printed distribution by region, but I saw that change so that I could broadcast my counterculture writing on the world wide wonderful web in 1997.  And the changes kept coming…

Played along and still do.

Finally there is a ‘mindfulness’ that women can and must speak, and that in fact it isn’t about women (gender) but persons (existence).  At the core of all our “faith” is that we are unique creatures who cannot explain our own creation.  Life-energy itself cannot be created by us and therein lies the divide between what we “know” and what is true even if we don’t “know” it.  We bow to a greater power than our own, no matter how expressed, that rewards kindness and courage and survival with dignity and persists through the random skittering of the living.  The strongest message is to let others live, stay out of their way, mind your own business.  Like, you don’t have to love thy neighbor, just don’t interfere with them.   Tolerance conserves strength, rabid reactions are a waste of energy.  Keep your attention on your own choices, and bless the chance to do better starting with your inner circle of family and community, because it matters there the most.

I’ve watched the expectations of society change through these last five decades because the norms are shifting; I participated in it, I am a product of it.  The message: Your choices matter.  To partner, to parent, to create… all of these things are driven forward by choice and then valued as years pass.  I have an abiding interest in how we treat ourselves and each other individually to be used as clues to our species’ fate.  And it isn’t all about “big” stuff, it is as prosaic as who you mingle with when it matters, who you cook for at dinner time.

kathleen_k_sexotica_erotica_graphic_romantic_books

Intriguing image from dreamstime.com

I am still a counter-culture writer and indie book print-on-demand publisher even after a long period where e-books were said to have destroyed tangible analog books.  Oops, not true:  of course online access to the words changes things and will continue to do so but the actual experiencing of a book does not involve a digital rendering.  An analog book is a singular physical copy that has heft and shape and history (new, used?) and that is my world of choice rekindled-validated.  At my “heart”, I find myself carving the loving language with a dash of sass then embodying it for once and all in a 5.25×8″ perfect-bound specific edition of about 140 pages.  Portable, affordable, and geared to rowdier readers.


 

Rowdier Reader Litmus test:  check out Twitter for @KathleenKxxx – NSFW


Watch the people in the background of this video, what a masterful story of presumption and tolerance is told here:  BONUS TRACK:  Adam Lambert – Another Lonely Night

#readmore

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One thought on “To quiet the murmur, you must stop the heart. Then start anew (again).

  1. Darlene Cox says:

    Excellent!!! D

    Like

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